What’s $1000 to you? To the average bride, that is the cost of her wedding dress.1

How much to spend on your wedding dress is a question that every bride will have to face and, unfortunately, there is no formulaic answer.

You certainly don’t need to spend thousands of dollars on a wedding gown. Trunk shows, off-the-rack gowns, and select dress stores carry unsuspecting lower-priced wedding gowns.

Although there certainly are brides who wear two different gowns during the course of the evening, there are others who wear their mother’s gown, which is free in price and rich in sentimentality. I had a friend who desired to wear her mother’s wedding dress and so did her sister. That dress became an heirloom over the course of a generation.

There is also a growing number of used wedding dress or discount wedding dress websites, as well as a rising trend to have an un-traditional wedding gown, which wouldn’t have the mark-up of anything with the word bridal associated with it.

So how do you know whether God wants an expensive or inexpensive dress for you? He may let you choose, in which case you can look for good deals for the style you want and then make a wise decision based on your budget. He might, however, give you a very strong conviction one way or another. If so, you need to heed His directing.

I wrestle with the idea of lavishing oneself, even on one’s wedding day, when other people are literally unable to afford food and shelter. I saw through a different lens, however, when it was my wedding versus when I was peering in from the outside of someone else’s wedding.  I had to evaluate whether that lens was selfish or not.  It will be a different lens for you too because God knows that each of our hearts holds different intentions.

One of the best ways to know how much money to spend on your own attire is to prayerfully evaluate your heart. You should always pray before you spend any money, regardless of what you are purchasing, but it is important to understand that how much you spend doesn’t necessarily correlate to making a right or wrong purchase. The motive for the purchase, however, does.

One of the questions to ask yourself and to pray to God is if you feel strongly about not spending a lot of money on a wedding dress, are you closing the door on a lavish blessing that God desires for you to have. Conversely, if you feel drawn towards a very expensive dress, are you acting out of selfishness and pride?

Are you buying an expensive dress for your own sake or for God’s sake? It sounds silly to think, “Oh yes, I am definitely wanting a great wedding gown so that God will be glorified by how beautiful I look,” but there can be some truth to that.

I came across this stunning passage in Isaiah 61:10-11:
“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my whole being shall exult in my God; for He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as the earth brings forth its shoots, and as a garden causes what is sown to spring up, so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring up before all the nations.”

Of course this context isn’t meant to tell a bride how lavish her dress can be, but the fact that Isaiah draws a comparison between how lavishly God blesses us with salvation and righteousness and how lavishly a bride adorns herself with jewels makes me believe that there is a place for dressing up for the sake of the Lord.

Just like the Levite priests were to sanctify themselves before coming to the Lord, there is something utterly beautiful about a bride who adorns herself with all things precious, both internally and externally, because she knows that on her wedding day, she is presenting herself before her groom and before her God to make a covenant vow.

Give the decision to God. Pray for His guidance and ask for Godly counsel from people you trust. God is the source of all things good and beautiful, so His direction will bless you.

If you are like me and struggle to identify and accept a lavish gift from God because of caution against your own greedy heart, pray this prayer:

Lord, I want to honor You with my whole heart and with every aspect of my wedding, but I’m having some trouble hearing what would please You. I confess pride that makes me want to look stunning for my sake and that makes me feel entitled to my dream wedding gown, even if it’s too expensive.

I trust that because I delight in You, You will give me the desires of my heart, but I also confess that often the desires of my heart are displeasing to you. I don’t want my selfishness to win; I do, however, desperately want to be able to receive good and lavish gifts from You without guilt. Please help me to discern the difference.

Whatever I wear at my wedding, I want to adorn myself for Your glory as lavishly as Your righteousness and salvation have been poured out on me. I love You, Lord, and I want to please You.

Thank You that You are a God who speaks. Help me to listen patiently and faithfully, and settle Your Word in my heart. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Photo © Todd Kuhns, Studio 12 Photography

Article was originally published on April 1, 2011.

1Data from Brides.com’s American Wedding Study 2009

What do you do when your spouse makes poor decisions regarding his ex’s?  What if your own ex-relationships have created some baggage in your marriage?  How can you and your spouse be a team in all things if you can’t stand to hear about each other’s ex’s?

Find out in my article “The Ex Factor,” over at Start Marriage Right.  Here’s a teaser for you…

Have you ever heard the story about the newlywed husband who invited his ex-girlfriend over when his wife was out?

It’s a funny story. Or at least it is now, but when it actually happened to me, I did not find much humor in it at all.

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“The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; I have a goodly heritage” (Psalm 16:6).

When I read this verse, I picture a young man or woman in Biblical times standing with his or her father, looking over the fields.  With one arm around his child and the other pointing at the boundary lines, the father says, “When I die, all of this will be yours.  With the fruit of this land, you and your family will be blessed.  Protect it.  Cherish it.  One day, pass it on to your children.”

Each of us has been given a legacy from our parents, and them from theirs.  We might not all agree with the psalmist that the boundary lines have fallen pleasantly or that the heritage we embrace is goodly.  Nonetheless, it is ours.  And, as God is a redeeming God, there is always good to be found.  We all could stand to view our lives with more gratitude in our hearts.

As you are planning for your wedding and preparing for your marriage, spend some time in prayer over what heritage has been given to you.  What provision has been passed on to you?  What examples about marriage and faith have you witnessed in your parents and grandparents?  Who before you has been praying for you?  What habits and patterns have you picked up from your family?  What traditions have you loved throughout the years?  In examining your “boundary lines,” how can you take those borders given to you and expand or minimize them in order to be a good steward of your heritage?

Abba, my life is ultimately a gift from You.  Let me rejoice in the good that has been passed down to me and let me surrender the bad.  I desire to be a good steward of my life and to leave a goodly heritage, a legacy that would point all aspects of my life to You, the Living God Who loves us.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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I stepped out the front door this morning into a glorious curtain of chilled, white mist.  It was as if the pillar of clouds had settled its presence this morning in my neighborhood.

To me, this weather change was abrupt, but I know that God had it in His plans.  I actually delighted in this small surprise because it reminded me of the morning of my own wedding.

Getting married in Malibu Canyon, which is right off the coast of the Pacific Ocean, means frequent misty mornings.  The fog settles in the nooks and crannies of the canyon and burns off by mid-morning.  Though fog does a number on my hair (yay for hairspray!), I was excited for the foggy wedding morning because I had heard from photographers across the board that fog makes for fantastic photographs!  Our morning wedding meant pictures in the fog and ceremony in the sunshine.

While fog is somewhat of a benign surprise, you might also be facing abrupt weather conditions on your wedding day.  Last month I was in a meeting in a building near the sanctuary at my church, and I could see through the window that a wedding was going on.  I could also see (and hear) through the window that it was hailing thunderously.  HAILING!  It never hails in Los Angeles.  I wondered what the bride was thinking as it unexpectedly hailed at her wedding.

Do you have a weather contingency plan, be it for rain, dust storms, snow, or whatever other weather condition frequents your locale? 

Ask your venue what they do in such circumstances.  If you don’t like their plan, you should weigh the risk of inclement weather and decide if you still want to lock in that venue.  

Chris and I chose our venue because of its outdoor garden.  The rain contingency plan was either for us to rent a really expensive tent the morning of the wedding or to move the whole ceremony inside the reception lodge.  We really didn’t like either option, but because it rarely rains in Los Angeles in mid-June, we took the risk and put the deposit down for the location anyway.

God knows what your weather will be.  When you ask Him for His guidance on choosing a wedding location, ask Him specifically about how the weather will affect your ceremony or reception.

And even if after thoroughly praying, analyzing the risk, and planning for contingency you are still met with profoundly unexpected weather that intrudes on your wedding day, try to meet the variable with an open hand.  God always has His reasons.

If you are too close-fisted with your wedding details, your focus is not on the right thing.  If you can fix your eyes on Jesus, however, and the joy set before you, which in this case is the fact that at the end of the day you will be married, then you will be able to weather the unexpected wedding-day storms.

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Photo © Lukasz Kulicki

Article originally published on March 30, 2011.

One of the best tricks to saving money on your wedding cake is to buy a smaller cake for presentation and a sheet cake for serving.  No guest ever has to see the sheet cake, which allows you to avoid spending on decorating that cake.  You will be able to serve a bigger group of people more cheaply and more quickly because the servers can have the cake cut and ready to go before you even cut your presentation cake.

A creative alternative to sheet cakes, however, is to use individual cakes, pies, cupcake tiers, or pastry displays at the tables.  Arranged with some accenting flowers or candles, these table cakes could serve as the centerpieces as well, saving you from having to buy expensive floral arrangements for each table.

If you are looking to save even more money, have some excellent baker friends donate their time to bake you the cakes.  Because these cakes only have to feed 8-12 people, they are manageable to bake from home without looking like a Home Ec. 101 project.

As it factors into your reception agenda, the time for cake serving would be negligible because, though many of your guests will wait until you cut your cake, you will have several tables who will carve their cakes immediately.

The other beauty of having a cake per table is that you can customize as you see fit.  At my sister’s wedding, a handful of us were gluten-free.  My sister made sure that one of the cakes near us was gluten-free, so that we could also partake in eating the wedding cake.  Whether you are accommodating food allergies or flavor preferences, you can show your guests incredible thoughtfulness by customizing the table cakes to their preferences and needs.

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Photo © Michael Hedden, Evoke Photography

Article was originally published on March 28, 2011.

“Now the festival of Unleavened Bread, which is called the Passover, was near.  The chief priests and the scribes were looking for a way to put Jesus to death, for they were afraid of the people.  Then Satan entered into Judas called Iscariot, who was one of the twelve; he went away and conferred with the chief priests and officers of the temple police about how he might betray him to them” (Luke 22:1-4).

Satan is no doubt sneaky and manipulative.  He has his designs to tempt us away from the will of God.  What I am struck with in this passage, however, is how powerless he really is in the face of God.  If Satan knew that God would ultimately take the plot for evil and turn it into the greatest show of glory for God, I highly doubt Satan would have gone through with it.

God knew Satan’s plan inside and out.  Even before it took shape, God also knew how He would use Satan’s plan for His own good.  Although Jesus would endure horrific suffering and the world would watch in despair, God knew the bigger picture and the indescribable good that would come from it.

What comfort for us that God reigns supreme!  He is victorious over evil, and He redeems Satan’s plots and our suffering for His glory.  No matter what circumstance we are in, as bleak as it may seem, God already knows about it inside and out, and He already knows how it will fit into the bigger picture for His glory.  Take heart!  Be still, and know that He is God.

Holy God, praise be to Your name that You reign over all things.  Your name has no defeat, and I have no reason to fear.  Thank You for Your victory in my life.  What Satan or man intends for evil, Lord, use it for good.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Music and man have an intrinsic relationship.  Whether as a mark of victory, adoration, lament, or peace, songs tell stories and ignite or release emotions.

In reading the book of Psalms, one can see there is also an inherent connection between worship and music, which is why I believe humans are so drawn to song.  Music brings discovery and nostalgia.  The pull of a melody can captivate us and open up emotional and spiritual doors that mere spoken words cannot do.

It’s no accident that commercials use drums and trumpets to rev us up about the powerful new car that they implicitly promise will make us superior beings.  In movies, the soft, lulling strings move us to tears at the pivotal moments of heartbreak, or the thunderous orchestra ignites our adrenaline in anticipation of victory.

Music is powerful; it’s emotive; and in some ways, it’s a mirror that lets us reflect on what’s going on inside of us.  This is true for both your guests and yourselves, which is why it’s important to pray through your purposes when choosing the music for your wedding ceremony.  You have an opportunity to draw your guests into worship and reflection with your ceremony music.  You will also be establishing a cue for nostalgia in your future.

What tone do you want set at your wedding?  How can you best offer and promote worship in your music?  Which songs represent you well?

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Article was originally published March 25, 2011.

Whether to choose a diamond or not can be a surprisingly plaguing decision when you factor in the abuse of diamond miners as well as the number of starving and needy people on this planet.  When I was sorting through this thought process with Chris, I had to ask myself why I felt the need to have so much money spent on a piece of jewelry.

Truthfully, part of my desire for a diamond ring was because that had always been how I dreamed of my wedding ring.  Maybe I was influenced by my parents or the movies or magazines.  I don’t know.  But to me, diamonds were the traditional wedding ring stone.  Ultimately, we got it because we are traditional people and because we wanted a symbol of our marriage that I would never tire of and that would last forever (as long as I didn’t lose it).

If you do choose a diamond, be diligent in finding a jewelry company that does not abuse or exploit the miners.  Maltreatment and slavery within the diamond industry has finally been illuminated, and as Christians, we have a responsibility to take action against these cruelties.[i] By not doing your research, you could likely be supporting terrorist movements by purchasing a “blood-diamond,” otherwise known as a diamond that is involved with the smuggling of weapons or funding of rebel wars mostly in Africa.[ii]

Whether that means you actively fight against this cruelty or choose to boycott diamonds in general, at least let it mean that you will not give money to those who are abusing innocent people and aiding illegal schemes.  Be knowledgeable so that you are not an unknowing patron of slavery or terrorism.

Companies with safe diamond mining are Igloo Diamonds (www.diamonds.ca) and usually Canadian, Australian, or Arctic diamond companies.  Another way to navigate the jewelry companies is to look for diamonds that are certified by the Kimberley Process, which is an African process developed specifically with the intent of curtailing African blood-diamond mining.[iii]

Pray fervently over your ring because God might have a specific message for you regarding what kind to get.  I do believe He will tell some to avoid diamonds and that He will point other towards them.  For the majority of us, however, I think He will let us choose based on our wisdom, finances, and attitude of the heart.

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Photo © John Yao, SimplyTwo Photography, featuring Jade and Keke’s wedding

Article was originally published on March 21, 2011.

[ii] “Frequently Asked Questions” Kimberley Process. Accessed 21 March 2011.  http://www.kimberleyprocess.com/faqs/index_fr.html

[iii] “Conflict Diamonds”  DiamondFacts.Org. Accessed 21 March 2011.  http://www.diamondfacts.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=128&Itemid=134&lang=en

“Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips” (Psalm 141:3).

Out of the mouth comes life and out of the mouth comes death.  Our words are so powerful.  Think about the words that have passed through the door of your lips even just today.  Were people built up by what you had to say?  Was God glorified by your words?

You have tremendous opportunity to change the way people are feeling with a simple word of affirmation.  You have the power to change how you are feeling by speaking words of Truth and praise to God.  You can veil yourself with kindness and let a train of encouragement trail behind you everywhere you go.  You can be a blessing to all you encounter.

Heavenly Father, forgive me for I speak words of defamation, gossip, and slander.  I twist truth for my benefit, and I give wisdom that I don’t really have.  Especially in my wedding-planning, in this time that seems all about me, I even feel justified in having a sharp tongue.  Help me instead to use my mouth to love You and to love others.  Do a work in this world through my very words.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Programs are usually a last-minute item in the wedding planning by nature of containing later decisions such as music choice and Scripture readings.  The result is that they can feel burdensome to spend time on.  It’s easy to skimp here on the budget and assume that people will end up throwing them away anyway.

That may or may not be true, and you can certainly make excellent, low-budget programs, but programs can be an unsuspecting moment of promise for your guests.  They will likely be expecting a traditional leaflet or paper text itemizing the agenda and won’t think less of receiving just that.  This means that anything you do above this baseline expectation will surprise them and pique their excitement for your wedding.

Think about how you can tie your programs into your theme or into the location and weather. For example, if you are having a summer wedding, you can print your program on stiff cardstock, cut it into a pleasing curved shape, and attach a handle to it—it’s a fan!  Your guests will be so grateful for your thoughtfulness to protect them from the heat.

I recently went to a wedding where the bride and groom used the fan idea for their programs.  Their fan, however, had four, long, rectangular pieces of cardstock that were tied together at the bottom.  You could spread them out into a fan or you could retract them into a bookmark.  I was impressed by the cleverness of their design and grateful for its functionality given the heat in the chapel.

Maybe your wedding is regally elegant and you can roll your programs into scrolls with monogrammed seals holding them closed.  Or that same concept, but for a beach wedding, could turn a scroll into a message in a bottle for each of your guests.

If you want to go for true functionality, you can print your program on the label of a water bottle so your guests don’t get thirsty.  It saves the hassle of another item to keep up with while also turning a standard water brand label into something personal.

Or if you are putting blankets on your guests’ chairs as their favors, tie a thick ribbon around it and print your program basics on a card tied to the ribbon.

To be totally cost-effective, you can skip programs altogether.  If you do this, make sure you plan with the guests in mind in the other aspects of your wedding so they don’t feel neglected.  Guests like to know what’s going on, and they are extremely receptive and grateful for decisions you make that increase their enjoyment.  One or two missed amenities will be graciously overlooked by your guests, but more will make them feel like they don’t matter to you.

You can address this concern by printing one or two portrait-sized programs and displaying them on standing easels somewhere near the seats.  That will save on copying and materials but will still allow your guests to know what the ceremony entails.

When in doubt, stick with the traditional booklet.  They are beautiful and reliable!  But whatever you decide to do, do it in line with your and your fiancé’s personalities.  The very nature of receiving something that is done in your image makes the guests feel invited and let-in.  And whether your guests pick up on it or not, your personalities are in the image of Christ, so they are seeing an authentic glimpse of how God has chosen to reveal Himself in you and your fiancé.

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Photo © Gary O’Kane

Article was originally published on March 4, 2011.