The Sweet Christian Bride

This is Beautiful

by admin on June 4, 2013 in Relationship with No Comments

I loved this blog post so much that I asked Janae if I could share it on  SCB.  So with permission, here is her beautiful insight as a newlywed.

“When thinking of marriage, my mind always wandered to what it would be like to live with my husband. Getting to know him, his quirks, his favorites and not so favorites, where he likes to eat breakfast, how he decorates (if he tells you he doesn’t decorate, don’t believe him…we’ll have you over for dinner), his daily life, if he brushes his teeth before or after breakfast. With those little things, I felt as ready as I could be to move in.

All throughout our “long” four month engagement season, there was a hovering feeling I never acknowledged. One of those anticipating, anxious, exciting, fear filled, and completely real all at once feelings. The kind you have when you know something is coming but you can’t explain it or do anything about it. Over that season, I came to know this feeling well as it defined its presence more and more in my life.

It was easily hidden behind the endless piles of lists, quickly being pushed aside to plan for the day we were all looking forward to. I never let it creep in enough, always reminding it that it could let me know what it was when the wedding was over….deep down assuming that was probably the plan from the beginning. By not knowing until the wedding was over, I didn’t have any chance of figuring out how to prepare for it, walk in it, and solve it before it even happened.

Then, April 13 happened. We were married and it took 15 hours for the lesson to begin. It was the moment I woke up still a mess, still tired, still in the same season when I saw that I just invited someone to permanently see me and live everything with me. Ready or not, all of my quirks, sin, heart, life, everything was just vulnerably laid out in front of him. No more best face forward or deciding which struggles to share with him. He could see it all. Despite the urgent feeling of panic, there was a phrase that began that morning which has continued through today…

This is beautiful. This is right.

By preparing to live with my husband, I never expected to see myself in deeper ways. I moved in with a man who keeps me accountable to face my heart, who loves me more than I love myself, and who chooses to practice grace when he sees me. I live with a mirror who speaks the most truth and depth I’ve ever seen.

I have no idea what’s next or what this process will look like. But for once, I do have hope and comfort in a PROCESS. The fact that there isn’t a set goal to reach allows my achieving heart to rest in a little freedom. Marriage is good and frustrating and exciting and deeper and harder and draining and life-giving.

I began learning the hovering feeling once we said “I Do.” It’s one of refinement without pressure to succeed. One of raw vulnerability concealed in grace.

And, this is a beautiful thing.

We’re one month in. I’m ready for more.”


By Lindsay

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